1. The director, Nick Cassavetes, is the son of famed independent film director John Cassavetes — which explains the presence of Gena Rowlands, his mother, in the film. Nick Cassavetes and his sister — Zoe Cassavetes, the director of the Parker Posey-starring Broken Embraces – grew up on set with their parents, making movies as a family. Before Cassavetes got on board, the studio wanted Steven Spielberg for it, which wouldn’t be the first surprising thing Spielberg was almost attached to. He almost directed Twin Peaks, Cruising and Return of the Jedi.

2. Pre-Cassavetes, Tom Cruise and Justin Timberlake were thrown around for the role of Noah, but Cassavetes only had eyes for Ryan Gosling — the critical favorite who had appeared in The Believer and United States of Leland, as well as Remember the Titans and Murder By Numbers. Roger Ebert, at the time, called Gosling the finest actor of his generation — and this was years before Gosling finally gained Academy recognition. This would be for his role in Half Nelson, the first Canadian in 60 years to be nominated for an Oscar.

3. Of all of the movies Gosling has done, he’s most thankful for his role in The Believer, which he believes blazed the trail for how his career would pan out, balancing mainstream work and the indie movies that meant something to him — but didn’t get the same distribution. Because of it’s neo-Nazi subject matter, The Believer never got a theatrical pickup. Almost no studio would take a chance on it. However, while winning festival plaudits for Gosling, it ended up finding a home on cable — at Showtime.

4. A number of actresses were bandied about for Allie, including Britney Spears, Reese Witherspoon, Jessica Biel and Ashley Judd. If Ashley Judd is that surprising to you, remember that Gosling was dating his older Murder By Numbers co-star, Sandra Bullock, at the time.

5. If you’re paying attention, #2 + #4 means that Justin Timberlake and Britney Spears could have starred in The Notebook together. Both of them starred with Gosling in The New Mickey Mouse Club — before moving onto become a tween star in Young Hercules, Goosebumps and Are You Afraid of the Dark?

6. Although his co-stars Spears, Timberlake, Christina Aguilera, JC Chasez and Nikki DeLoach (the mom on Awkward.) lived together, Gosling resided in a trailer park with his parents. Ryan Gosling was their meal ticket, and his parents had no outside earnings. (Later, he did end up moving in with Justin Timberlake and his mother, so he lived with the guy he beat out for The Notebook.) Gosling credits his upbringing with being a loner today, as he has next to no close friends or acquaintances outside of his work, much like many of the characters he plays.

7. Gosling is notorious for taking his role preparation very seriously, as he goes method to get into character. When Peter Jackson cast him in The Lovely Bones, Gosling envisioned his role quite differently — growing a burly beard and packing on sixty pounds. When he showed up on set with his new body, Jackson fired him due to “creative differences,” hiring Mark Wahlberg instead. (#bigmistake) To prepare for The Notebook, Gosling resided in Charleston, South Carolina to get a feel for the location — rowing down the Ashley River and building furniture to get into character. He also built the wooden table his character uses in the movie.

8. This is reminiscent of Daniel Day-Lewis, who is a huge fan of Ryan Gosling. (But who isn’t?) For his role in The Crucible, Daniel Day-Lewis constructed the house his character’s family lived in — all from scratch. Both Day-Lewis and the Gos are currently on a break from acting.

9. Despite Gosling’s cred elsewhere — as an actor in Drive, Lars and the Real Girl, Blue Valentine, Half-Nelson and Crazy, Stupid, Love — The Notebook is still his most financially successful film. It’s also the most successful film by its director (whose next biggest grosser is John Q) and just edged out Dear John as the most successful Nicholas Sparks adaptation — by a cool million dollars. The Vow grossed more money for Rachel McAdams (who also made bank on Sherlock Holmes and Wedding Crashers, which both earned the exact same amount of money: $209 million dollars) but it’s not actually a Nicholas Sparks movie. It was, however, co-written by the creator of Friday Night Lights.

10. Although The Notebook was the last actual Nicholas Sparks movie McAdams was in, she did later act in The Lucky One, an Iraq veteran road buddy comedy from 2008. This has a remarkably similar name to the Nicholas Sparks novel The Lucky Ones, which came out the same year. The book was about an Iraq war veteran who comes home and begins having an affair with a woman whose photo he found while overseas. In the movie, they were played by Zac Efron and Taylor Schilling (Piper in Orange is the New Black), and it came out at almost the exact same time as The Vow — co-starring Channing Tatum, who was in Dear John, another weepy about a soldier and the woman he loves back home.

11. Fun note: This means that Plastics Rachel McAdams and Amanda Seyfried were in a movie with Channing Tatum — and Lacey Chabert wasn’t. None for Gretchen Weiners. Lindsay Lohan was supposed to star with Tatum in a movie in 2007, called Poor Things, but had to drop out due to her constant stints in rehab.

12. Also, check out The Time Traveler’s Wife, the 2009 movie that spent over half a decade in production before it came out. Brad Pitt’s Plan B production company bought the rights to the book in 2003 — before Audrey Niffenegger’s hit book ever even hit the shelves. It was going to be developed as a vehicle for Pitt and his then wife, Jennifer Aniston, who announced their split two years later. Following their divorce, the project got thrown around a lot. At one time, Gus Van Sant was going to direct it but it later got left to Flightplan’s Robert Schwentke to direct — with a script by Bruce Joel Rubin of Ghost. The earliest draft of the screenplay was written by Jeremy Leven, who wrote the script for The Notebook. Leven would have written his version before The Notebook ever came out — for a film that his Notebook leading lady, Rachel McAdams, ended up starring in.

13. Ryan Gosling allegedly hated Rachel McAdams on set, finding her difficult to work with. Gosling felt that McAdams was so “uncooperative” that he had a difficult time looking her in the face during his scenes — and demanded that another actress to be brought in to replace her in his takes, so he could at least look at someone else. When Nick Cassevetes shot Gosling down, the two began shouting at each other. Gosling said on the subject: “We inspired the worst in each other. It was a strange experience, making a love story and not getting along with your co-star in any way.”

14. However, it worked in the movie’s favor, making their love-hate relationship and their bickering more real — because it was real. On top of winning the MTV Best Kiss award, Gosling and McAdams got cited the Best Movie Kiss of All-Time by Entertainment Weekly in 2011. (I’m also partial to From Here to Eternity and that upside down Spider-Man kiss, for the record.)

15. After filming, Rachel McAdams and Ryan Gosling had a much publicized romance but it’s a wonder they never met before the shoot even started. The two grew up in and around London in Ontario, Canada and were even born in the same hospital. The two sparked their romance years later while meeting up in New York City, when Gosling decided he had been wrong about her. They started dating in 2005, right before Wedding Crashers came out, and broke up in 2007. Like in the Hollywood version of their romance, they tried to get back together in late 2008 — which was short-lived. Life just isn’t the movies.

16. At the time of filming, McAdams was still working in Canada on a wildly popular (and really good) Canadian television show called Slings and Arrows, starring Guy Maddin fav Mark McKinney (SNL, Kids in the Hall) and Sarah Polley’s father, Michael, a famed Canadian actor.

17. Before landing The Notebook, McAdams’ only major film role was The Hot Chick, starring Rob Schneider. She reportedly got the call that she nabbed the part while at the premiere for the film — a movie in which she played a character remarkably similar to her Mean Girls character, Regina George. Tina Fey said that the reason they cast McAdams in the part, instead of Lindsay Lohan (who wanted it real bad) was that Rachel McAdams was Canadian and so nice — and you needed a nice girl to play mean. McAdams’ breakout roles in The Notebook and Mean Girls were released less than two months apart. 2004 was her year.

28. For the movie, Nick Cassavetes made Ryan Gosling wear color contacts — because he wanted to make sure that Gosling and James Garner had the same eye color. Garner has brown eyes, instead of Gosling’s famously piercing blue eyes. (The Guardian once referred to him as “Ol’ Blue Eyes.”) However, Cassavetes didn’t seem to care much about Rachel McAdams — who has hazel eyes, as opposed to Gena Rowlands’ blue blinkers.

19. In addition to Rowlands, Gosling and Garner, the movie features two more Oscar nominees: Joan Allen and Sam Shepard. They have eight Oscar nominations between them — with Allen in the lead at three. However, Sam Shepard (Jessica Lange’s longtime partner, until their recent split) has been nominated for the Pulitzer Prize three time for playwriting — and won once, back in 1979 for Buried Child.

20. In the 1970s, Shepard dated punk godmother Patti Smith, and they even wrote a play together in 1971, called Cowboy Mouth. They reunited professionally in 2011 to record music for Smith’s most recent album, shortly after Shepard’s split from Jessica Lange. Lange was recently rumored to be having an affair with her American Horror Story co-star Sarah Paulson, who semi-recently broke up with her partner, Cherry Jones (aka President Taylor on 24). They both deny it, but in my head, they would make a kick-ass couple.

20. Although The Notebook was the third book Nicholas Sparks had actually completed, it was the first to get published. Sparks got a million dollar advance on the book after a literary agent found the novel hanging out in a slush pile at her agency. The book spent over a year on the bestseller list. The Notebook debuted on the NYT list in within its first week of release. Sparks says that the novel was inspired by his wife’s grandparents, married for over six decades. Although the book came out in 1997, the movie oddly coincided with the death of Ronald Reagan, who had been fighting Alzheimer’s Disease for years. He died just 20 days before the movie came out.

21. Two Sparks adaptations came before The Notebook — Message in a Bottle in 1999 and A Walk to Remember in 2002 — but The Notebook was his first breakout success in film. Since The Notebook came out nine years ago, there’s been an average of one Nicholas Sparks movie every two years. This doesn’t include fare like The Vow, Here on Earth and Letters to Juliet — all of which fall into the category of Sparks knock-offs. He currently has three TV shows in development and two more movies. So he’s not going away anytime soon.

Uber is a mobile app that hails cabs for you. Click here, sign up, and get your first ride with Uber for free.

I’m a little excited about the Mean Girls musical that is currently being written. (And you are too, if you know what’s good for you.) Maybe I’m a little too excited. You know, since I came up with 29 possible Mean Girls The Musical songs. Don’t judge me, just enjoy.

1. “Kwaheri Africa”

A touching, piano-driven number. Cady is leaving her beloved Africa and moving to Illinois. Tears will be shed. Animals will frolic. And it will smash directly into…

2. “Talk to Me Again and I’ll Kick Your Ass!”

High school is nothing like Africa and Cady tries to navigate through her first day in this heart thumping, feet stomping, arms flailing opening number.

3. “The Same in Every Language”

In this adorable, catchy little ditty, Cady explains to her new biffles, Damian and Janis, why she loves math so much. There will probably be dancing mathematics symbols. Just because.

4. “Rubbers”

Cady might not ever know what she missed in health class that day, but these students will never forget. I’m envisioning students dancing at their desks and Coach Carr tossing condoms in the air.

5. “The Plastics”

You can’t have a Mean Girls musical without a number devoted to the Plastics. High kicks and being carried around by the soccer team will accompany this pop-star dance number.

6. “Guide to North Shore”

Where oh where should Cady sit? This cheerful song will help her navigate the cafeteria and learn all about where to sit and where not to sit. (Watch out for the sexually active band geeks.)

7. “Why, White?”

Karen is a lot deeper than she looks and this somber cello-driven ballad gives her a voice as she navigates racial tensions in high schools. Because why can’t you just ask people why they’re white?

8. “Irregardless”

Gretchen and Karen explain the rules of Girl World and, like, feminism, to Cady in this sparkly, pink, sequin driven rock number.

9. “Three-Way”

Similar to the opening number of Bye Bye Birdie, this telephone-tag number will have everyone dancing in their seats.

10. “Too Grool for School”

Because Aaron Samuels needs his own fucking song, alright? And there will probably be dancing cheerleaders.

11. “Let’s Rock This Bitch”

Regina George is going down. Janis, Damian and Cady have a plan. It involves foot cream. And this bad-ass, angry, rock number.

12. “You Go, You Go, You Go Glenn Coco!”

A fun, lighthearted holiday jingle about friendship, love, and candy cane grams.

13. “Don’t Look at Me”

Damian is beautiful and the world can’t bring him down. No, because this heart-soaring piano-infused rock song is bringing him up. Bring your lighters for this one, guys.

14. “Fabulous, Fantastic, Fetch”

Gretchen is just trying to make it happen and this pensive, thoughtful song will have you literally weeping in your seat. Fetch IS going to happen. IT IS.

15. “The G is Silent”

There needs to be a rap number. You know, to attract the young people. And Kevin G is just the man to deliver it.

16. “WE SHOULD TOTALLY JUST STAB CAESAR”

Gretchen Wieners finally cracks. And she destroys a classroom in the process in this angsty, soul crushing, ear splitting (from all the shouting) song.

17. “Two Negative Integers”

Cady and Aaron are feeling the heat in this love ballad. Or maybe that’s just all the excitement from doing math.

18. “Snacks and Condoms”

Mrs. George delivers with her rock solid breasts and sexy-tastic dance moves.

19. “I’m A Pusher”

You really start to feel for Ms Norbury as she bares her soul is this emotionally wrenching and tearfully sung rock ballad.

20. “Three-Way, Reprise”

Boo, you whore.

21. “The Day I Wore A Vest”

Regina is rejected from the Plastics lunch table in this tense rock number. And what’s this, do we glimpse a softer side of Regina George?

22. “Cheese and Crackers for Eight”

Cady thinks she’s having a small get together but it turns into a completely wild, out of control song and dance number! WHAT?!

23. “Mean Girl”

I really think the only way to do this song justice is with an actual car on stage, driven by Damian, circling Cady as Janis and Cady shout/sing to each other. The circling car will mirror the rage of their song. So deep, guys.

24. “Rubbers Reprise”

If you have sex, you will get Chlamydia and die.

25. “Jungle Madness”

The stage will explode as girls go at each other in this emotional dance number. And obviously pages of the Burn Book will be tossed around and floating in the air. (Coach Carr will be seen in the background fleeing from Trang Pak and Sun Jin.)

26. “Lady Problems”

Wide set vaginas, self-esteem, clique problems, and feeling victimized by Regina George get discussed in this fun, head bopping sing-a-long.

27. “She Doesn’t Even Go Here”

We don’t know who she is, but she’ll steal the show with her tearjerker song, accompanied only by a violin. And rainbows and smiles.

28. “SUCK ON THAT/Suck the Poison Out”

The entire plot comes to light in this snappy little pop song; Janis comes clean, Cady is feeling ostracized and Regina gets hit by a bus (everyone will swear they saw her head spin right around) and Cady realizes she needs to own up to what she did.

29. “The Limit Does Not Exist”

You’ll be standing in your seat cheering at this climactic ensemble song, starting with Cady and the Mathletes winning the State Champions, and finishing up at Spring Fling. It’s not really required of Cady to make a speech, but she does it anyway. WITH FEELING.

Uber is a mobile app that hails cabs for you. Click here, sign up, and get your first ride with Uber for free.

Step 1: Make a note of every time you make an unnecessarily negative remark about yourself or another woman for a whole week.

While there are always legitimate criticisms to make about other human beings, we can all recognize the difference between a valid bone to pick and a superfluous comment about how greasy some bitch’s bangs are or how her face looks like a potato when she smiles. Whether it’s talking about how fat we are because we want to enjoy a few french fries with friends out at a restaurant, or tossing off a comment about how another girl’s vagina is less a sex organ and more one of those Japanese tube hotels that accommodates 10,000 visitors at a time, write that shit down. Put a tally mark somewhere or, even better, summarize the shitty thing you said. Trust me, if you do this for a straight week, you will be pretty shocked at the amount of times you let horrendous shit fly free for absolutely no reason over the course of a normal week. It will not be a pretty picture.

Step 2: Stop yourself and others from making similar comments for the following week.

Once you have established what a large (and unnecessary) amount of time comments like these take up in life, start stopping yourself in the act. You feel that bubbling of girl snark rising somewhere in your esophagus, you push that shit down and start thinking about something else. Within seconds, the desire to be needlessly rude evaporates like so many tiny, ugly molecules of steam. And once you’ve started seeing it in yourself, when a girlfriend starts going off on some random chick for absolutely no reason, or is making egregiously cruel comments about herself, it becomes cringeworthy in its negativity. You are made acutely aware of how bad a look that kind of talk is on anyone, and it’s your job to cut them off at the pass with some positivity (or at least not feed into their maliciousness).

Step 3: Force yourself, at least once a day, to make a nice, sincere comment about yourself and another woman.

With all the time you’ve saved from no longer making cruel comments about the bodies and lives of others and yourself, you can now start making an effort to see what is beautiful, and worthy, and fun in all of these aforementioned women. You can like a purse, or a smile, or something funny that they said, or the way you’re good at listening, or how a girl always manages to style herself in such an original, cute way. It can be anything. It just has to be meaningful and positive. The first step to not seeing all other women as some imagined threat is to realize that all of our awesomeness can exist at the same time, and can enhance one another’s positive qualities. At first it will be a forced activity, just like the previous two steps, but it’s a habit that we’re only too happy to take on, because let’s be honest: being positive, and building one another up instead of creepily chipping away at one another’s psyches, are way better activities. It might be helping other people, but it’s a pretty enriching act for the individual’s soul.

And, regardless of where we are in our lives at this moment, we all deserve to try it. We can’t change everything, but that is something we can change.

What do some of the world’s most influential and interesting contributors think about subjects important to you? Find out by visiting The Opinionator from The New York Times

1. Dead Poets Society (1989)

The 1989 classic is perhaps best known for its ode to Carpe Diem, the Latin aphorism translating to “seize the day.” Robin Williams was nominated for an Academy Award for his portrayal of english teacher John Keating, who used poetry to teach the boys of an elite prep school the value of critical thought.

2. Dazed And Confused (1993)

Matthew McConaughey’s breakout role was a good one. Also featuring, Parker Posey, Milla Jovovich and more, Dazed And Confused follows a bunch of teenagers on the last day of school in the summer of 1976.

3. Adventureland (2009)

Those who grew up in the Long Island suburbs will have a special connection with this one, a fictional take on a real run-down theme park with the same name. The story of a kid who’s forced to take a shitty summer job in order to save up for grad school. We learn that the thing about shitty summer jobs, is that they oftentimes turn out to be anything but.

4. Whale Rider (2002)

Whale Rider focuses on a culture you probably haven’t had too much interaction with–the Māori, the indigenous Polynesian people of New Zealand. Kahu Paikea Apirana is a 12-year-old Maori girl who wants to become the chief of the tribe. She butts heads with her grandfather, who believes this is a role reserved for males only. Life lessons occur throughout this visually thrilling masterpiece.

5. A Bronx Tale (1993)

Robert DeNiro and Chazz Palminteri play opposing father figures for Francis Capra, as Capra slowly befriends Palminteri’s crew of mobsters. A rough around the edges classic that brilliantly tackles themes of family, loyalty, and relatively morality.

6. Slacker (1991)

The term “slacker” defined Generation X malaise that permeated the early 90′s grunge youth. Richard Linklater’s breakout film is one of the weirdest you’ll ever see (it’s a series of interrelated vignettes with no real plot to speak of), meaning that it really explores and tackles what it means to pursue whatever it is you want to pursue, societally backed or otherwise. Linklater followed this critical success with another one that’s already been praised on this very list–Dazed and Confused.

7. Varsity Blues (1999)

James Van Der Beek’s memorable line “Playing at West Canaan may have been the opportunity of your lifetime…but I don’t want your life!” aptly sums up the generational divide a lot of these types of movies are based on. Varsity Blues was remarkably ahead of its time when it came to football; particularly in terms of how it dealt with concussions and long-term mental health issues. Not to mention, that Ali Larter whipped cream pie will forever life in infamy.

8. Frances Ha (2013)

Noah Baumbach’s critically-adored charmer is a black and white tale of a young person struggling to achieve any trace of stability within the unforgiving creative world of New York City. Like most of Baumbach’s films, it manages to say something worthwhile in a way that’s also grounded in real, but unmistakable humor. You’ll want to be Greta Gerwig’s best friend.

9. The Kite Runner (2007)

The film adaption of Khaled Hosseini’s best-selling novel, The Kite Runner focuses on Amir, a well-off boy from one of Kabul’s wealthiest neighborhoods, who is completely overwrought with guilt after abandoning the son of his father’s servant. It takes place during a tumultuous time in Afghani history, dealing with Soviet military intervention and the rise of the Taliban.

10. Take Me Home Tonight (2010)

Arguably the most overlooked “pleasant surprise” on this list, Take Me Home Tonight is a party-oriented 80′s throwback movie that came out in early March. Meaning, it had no business being good.

Yet, the combination of a great cast (Probably the best performance of Topher Grace’s career, Dan Fogler seems too good to be living in Jonah Hill’s shadow, and Teresa Palmer, Ana Faris, and Chris Pratt are all outstanding), a story that doesn’t try too much, and highly applicable #postgrad themes make for a very sound movie. The message here is “even if you have no idea where you’re going, just take a shot somewhere.”  It’s also got a killer soundtrack.

11. Superbad (2007)

How to somehow pull off a party. The desperation and pressures that come with loss of sexual innocence. A friend named McLovin. Superbad is a keeper.

12. This Is England (2006)

This Is England tells the story of a troubled kid growing up in early 80′s England who befriends a group of skinheads. It deals with the tremendous pull of subcultures, and the notions of family and belonging in a truly fascinating–and slightly heartwrenching–manner.

13. Boyz n The Hood (1991)

Boyz n the Hood tells the story of a group of friends growing up in South Central Los Angeles, historically one of the most violent and drug-riddled areas of the country. The movie has been deemed “culturally significant” by the Library of Congress, and it was selected for preservation in the National Film Registry.

14. Waiting (2005)

Life has its fair share of Crude Awakenings. Waiting is the rollicking story of the inner workings of your everyday American restaurant chain, uniquely honing in on the hopes and dreams (or lack thereof) of its employees. Among the many valuable lessons Waiting teaches us, perhaps the most valuable of all is that if you talk shit to a waiter, you will definitely be sorry.

15. Mean Girls (2004)

In addition to being the subject of half the GIFs on the internet, Mean Girls was a 2004 movie that thoroughly dealt with the trails and tribulations of surviving the ruthless jungle known as high school.

16. The Life of Pi (2012)

Ang Lee’s visual stunna stole the show at the Oscars last year. The scene above–in which Pi daringly confronts the Bengal tiger–aptly demonstrates why.

17. Almost Famous (2000)

If you ever bring this film up to a group of people, they’ll probably respond with some sort of un-distilled adulation. One of those movies that brings out the soft spot in everyone. And rightfully so.

18. The Squid and The Whale (2005)

In addition to sporting a stellar cast (Jeff Daniels, Laura Linney, and a young Jessie Eisenberg), Noah Baumbach’s second film on this list is also one of the darker (but undeniably profound) coming of age epics. The title is based on the giant squid and sperm whale diorama and the museum of Natural History.

19. Clueless (1995)

Clueless, which based on a Jane Austen novel called Emma, satirizes American notinos materialism and superficiality through the lens of an overprivileged Beverly Hills Barbie. This all happened before Alicia Silverstone started feeding her baby mouth to mouth. Paul Rudd crushes it.

20. The Virgin Suicides (1999)

This Sofia Coppola is one of those that you won’t be able to stop thinking about for days, possibly weeks. It’s about a bunch of dudes who become obsessed with a group of reclusive sisters who are kept out of site by their religious, strict parents after one of them commits suicide.

21. Garden State (2004)

Zach Braff’s directorial debut, with the help of Natalie Portman, made over $35 million at the box office on a mere $2.5 million budget. The film follows an actor/waiter who returns to his hometown following the death of his mother, and is based on Braff’s real life experiences.

22. Clerks (1994)

Kevin Smith’s breakout film tells the story of a typical day in the lives of two New Jersey store clerks and the cast of characters they interact with. The versatility here is arguably what’s most impressive–Smith’s ability to transition from crude fart jokes to deep philosophical tangents is arguably second to none, which is certainly on full display here.

23. The Spectacular Now (2013)

One of the biggest pleasant surprises of 2013. There’s a lot of terrible out in the world, and this is a wonderful temporary retreat. Miles Teller and Shailene Woodley should be dazzling for quite some time.

24. Moonrise Kingdom (2012)

This Wes Anderson gem is about two twelve year-olds who fall in love, make a pact, and run away into the Wilderness. Authorities look for the two while a brutal storm brews offshore. Odd, in a most genuine and heartwarming kind of way.

25. Good Will Hunting (1997)

“Wood drastically underestimates the impact of social distinctions based upon…” Classic scene from one of those movies that will forever withstand the test of time.

You should like Thought Catalog on Facebook here.

Can I make you a fun drink while we talk about this? Mean Girls

I know you all hear the word feminist and you’re like “Gross!” right? I’m totes not like that, though, FYI.

I’m not one of those “angry” feminists. I don’t hate men, I love men. I’m just a guy’s girl, you know? I don’t cause drama so I just get along better with dudes.

Also, I don’t get offended by every little thing. If you ask me to make you a sandwich, I’ll just think “Yum! Sandwiches!” I don’t get why all those other feminists are upset all the time. Just relax! People might like you then.

You hear the word “feminist” and you’re imagining butch looking women burning bras and talking about how men are evil and sex is a tool of the patriarchy. Not this girl! I take pride in my appearance. It’s totally empowering to walk down the street and get complimented by guys. I don’t know who those people are that don’t like being “catcalled.” They’re just expressing that they appreciate your appearance, duh. Learn how to smile and take a compliment people.

I don’t even know what “rape culture” is but it doesn’t seem like that big of a deal, tbh. Just don’t dress like a ho and get wasted. Problem solved. Not clear on the “pay gap” either because my parents pay for my cell phone and I live with my boyfriend so I just make him buy me stuff.

The reason most people don’t like feminists is because most feminists are so unlikeable. I don’t like to use the word “misogyny” because it seems mad aggro. I don’t think we really need to be screaming about feminism all the time. It’s a pretty good time to be a woman. We can vote, guys. There’s like, two prominent female CEOs. I finally learned how to Lean In™. I think we are good now.

I’m not like a regular feminist, I’m a cool feminist. Aren’t you like, SO relieved?

To an extent, Kate Menendez got something right. In her recent article, Menendez bemoans the fact that she did not choose to be wealthy, and she’s correct: You can’t choose your class status. If you could, I would have chosen to be born on a pile of money instead of growing up in a trailer park to a mother who worked in factories and fast food restaurants to put dinner on the table. I used to date a doctor whose parents lived in the Gold Coast, and when I walked into his house for the first time, I felt like Brittany Murphy in Clueless, overwhelmed by the way he grew up. I muttered to myself, “You guys got Coke here?”

Because that’s the thing: People often learn about privilege in seeing what they lack. It’s why the wealthy have a hard time dealing with class issues in the same way that white people notoriously cannot discuss race. They don’t learn, because they don’t have to. I didn’t realize that I was “poor” until I saw my friends’ European vacation photos or sat with them at the restaurants they could charge to their parents’ card, while I ate bread or prayed that someone would pay for me. Today I make more money than my mother does (which I lie to her about) and when I use my debit card at a restaurant, I still feel like an outsider, the friendly dog who thinks he can eat at the dinner table.

I don’t feel guilt, per se, just a reminder that this isn’t the way things always were and grateful that I’m not still eating a can of pinto beans for dinner or having creamed corn for lunch. I know that the breaks a graduate school education has given me — when others from my hometown are struggling to get by on minimum wage, working at Wendy’s and Taco Bell — aren’t shared by all. I’m privileged, and that’s not necessarily a bad thing. It’s a gift that I hope can be shared with others, and I hope to use my privilege positively — to educate others when I can and, more importantly, listen when I need to. I find myself doing more of the latter. I hope to always be learning — and be checked when I need it.

All of us privileged in some ways and disprivileged in others, and getting closed off and defensive about that system does not do anyone any good. Kate Menendez’s take on her privilege is to shrug off her guilt as “Sorry I’m Not Sorry,” which I’m sure helps her sleep at night but doesn’t do anything to transform her privilege into a force for good. Menendez feels isolated from those around her for her wealth and thinks that her doorman judges her for having J.Crew shipped to her apartment. If I’ve learned anything from being an adult, it’s that most things aren’t about you. Your doorman doesn’t give a shit about what you do — but you should care what you do.

Her self-centered view of the world is one in which the focus is on her online shopping habits, but privilege is a lot more than what you buy. It’s who you are and how you spend your time, rather than simply what you spend. Do you write an article complaining about how others make you feel about your wealth rather than doing something with it? Do you dodge any ownership of your class status by saying “nah-nah-nah boo-boo?” Do you blame other people for making you recognize there’s a problem? If so, your privilege isn’t the problem. You are the problem.

There’s a great line in Mean Girls, when Gretchen Wieners is confessing her sins to the crowd. Just before her trust fall, Gretchen laments, “I’m sorry that people are so jealous of me, but I can’t help it that I’m so popular.” And does the crowd accept her confession and catch her? No, they let her fall on her rich derriere. It’s not Gretchen’s popularity that they loathe. Like a guy with a ten-inch dick, they don’t hate her for what she was born with. It’s how she uses it that matters. When it comes to power and status, you can be Bill Gates or Paris Hilton. What path do you choose?

My feelings about Kate Menendez have nothing to do with our backgrounds. Some of my best friends are rich, and I don’t begrudge them for it. In fact, their parents use that privilege to give back; they’re charity organizers and philanthropists like Mr. Gates, and some of the kindest people I’ve ever known. My friend’s father gave me 200 fucking dollars for graduation — even though we’d never met. He even treated a group of my friends and our families to dinner. During the meal, I sat next to my mother, who cried into her napkin because she’d never been somewhere that nice before; all she could afford to give me was a hug. At the moment, I knew what privilege was: Making sure everyone has a place at the table.

So I don’t hate Kate Menendez because she chose to be rich. I hate her because she chose to be an asshole.

Are you feeling a bit knackered or fagged today, internet, and need something to be gobsmacked by? Then rest your zonked peepers on these 71 simple British phrases (compiled from slang dictionaries). Some are common, some are out of use, but all of them you will want to start using immediately. Gretchen Wieners once advocated that everyone start saying “fetch,” but don’t stop there. Don’t be a tosser. Use them all.

And just remember: be very careful when you ask a British person how their father is. You know not what you’re asking.

Flickr/careybaird

1. Any road: used in place of “any way,” primarily used in the north of Britain.

2. Baccy: shortened word for “tobacco;” also, “wacky backy” means marijuana.

3. Barmy: crazy, insane; always derogatory.

4. Bender: derogatory term for homosexual, like “poof.” (Note: You probably shouldn’t use it or you’ll get slapped, but it’s worthy of note for giving Futurama a very different meaning.)

5. Biggie: term children might use to describe feces; also, an erection.

6. Bits ‘n Bobs: various things. (Example: “My mother has a lot of Bits ‘n Bobs around the house.”)

7. “Bob’s your uncle!”: “There you go! You’ve got it!”

8. Bollocks: technically means “balls,” but often describes something seen as extremely negative or lacking in value; e.g. “total shit.”

9. “Bugger off!”: “Go away!” or “Leave me alone!” (Note: Bugger, used on its own, is akin to “Fuck!” or “Shit!”)

10. Chav: white trash.

Flickr/Thomas Depenbusch

11. Cheeky: to be not respectful of something, having a flippant or facetious attitude.

12. Chin Wag: to have a chat with someone.

13. Collywobbles: extreme queasiness or stomach pain brought on by stress, nervousness or anxiety.

14. Crusty Dragon: a piece of snot or booger.

15. Daft Cow: a very stupid person (See also: “Wazzock.”)

16. Dog’s Bollocks: extremely good or favorable, great

17. Dog’s Dinner: to be dressed nicely or look dapper.

18. Donkey’s Years: ages, as in “I haven’t seen you in ages!”

19. Fagged: disturbed, bothered or interrupted (Example: If one were studying for a test, one would not want to be “fagged.”)

20. Fall Arse Over Tit: to have an embarrassing fall or to topple over.

Flickr/erjkprunczyk

21. Fanny: vagina.

22. Fit: hot or sexually desirable.

23. The Full Monty: going all the way with it, going big instead of going home.

24. “Get stuffed!”: “Beat it” or “Scram!”

25. Gobby: loudly opinionated, offensive or prickish. (See: Donald Trump.)

26. Gobsmacked: amazed or awed by something.

27. Gormless: completely clueless, like Alicia Silverstone in the 90s film.

28. To Have A Butcher’s: to take a look at something or someone.

29. Her Majesty’s Pleasure: being incarcerated or put in prison.

30. “How’s Your Father?”: euphemism for sex (Example: “Have you and your wife had any of the ol’ ‘How’s your father?’ recently?”)

Flickr/PnP!

31. “I’m Off To Bedfordshire!”: “I’m hitting the hay!”

32. “It’s Monkeys Outside!”: “Wow, it’s very cold out!”

33. John Thomas: penis.

34. Knackered: phrase meaning “extremely tired,” often uttered after a long, exhausting day; also see: “zonked.”

35. Knees Up: A term for a mixer or a dance party (Example: “I went to this wild knees up this weekend. I wish you could have been there.”)

36. Legless: totally, completely hammered.

37. Lose The Plot: to go “crazy” or become mentally unstable.

38. Lurgy: sick or under the weather.

39. Made Redundant: to be fired or let go from one’s position.

40. Minted: to be extremely rich.

Flickr/az1172

41. Off One’s Trolley: mad, out of one’s mind.

42. On The Piss: binge drinking solely for the purpose of getting totally smashed.

43. On The Pull: cruising for sexual intercourse.

44. Pavement Pizza: euphemism for puke or vomit.

45. “Pip pip!”: archaic, out-of-use phrase used to say goodbye.

46. Plonk: a pejorative word used to describe red wine of poor quality, usually purchased at little expensive.

47. Ponce: a poser.

48. Porkies: old Cockney rhyming word used to mean “lies.” (Example: If one is “telling porkies,” you’re telling lies.) Comes from “pork pies,” which rhymes with lies.

49. Puff: a fart.

50. Rumpy-Pumpy: amazing phrase used as a euphemism for sexual intercourse.

Flickr/Paolo Margari

51. See A Man About a Dog: what you say as an excuse for leaving, in order to hide your destination; also, to excuse oneself to take a giant shit.

52. Shambolic: in a total state of bedlam, chaos or dismay.

53. Shirty: ill-tempered, insolent.

54. Skive: a character deemed particularly lazy or incapable of being of use.

55. Slap And Tickle: making out or heavy petting.

56. Slapper: a promiscuous female.

57. Spend A Penny: to use the restroom.

58. Snookered: to be in a bad situation, totally fucked or otherwise without a paddle.

59. Starkers: completely naked.

60. Stonker: a boner.

Flickr/erjkprunczyk

61. Strawberry Creams: hunger-inducing term for a woman’s breasts.

62. Sweet Fanny Adams: code for “Sweet fuck all”, meaning little to nothing at all. (Example: “I thought I had a chance with her, but I ended up with Sweet Fanny Adams.)

63. Taking The Piss: messing or screwing around.

64. Throw A Spanner In The Works: to make a mistake or fuck up something.

65. Tickety-Boo: phrase for when everything’s going great (Example: “All is tickety-boo in my world.”)

66. Todger: another word for “dick.”

67. Tosh: total bullshit, nonsense or rubbish.

68. Tosser: derogatory term for male masturbator, used to indicate that you look upon someone unfavorably. (Example: “He fancies himself the bee’s knees, but frankly he’s quite the wanker.”)

69. Twig And Berries: male genitalia, the penis and balls.

70. Up The Duff: pregnant or with child.

Flickr/NASA’s Marshall Space Flight Center

71. “Who blew off?”: “Who farted?”

Today is October 3, the day we nationally celebrate Mean Girls Day by quoting the shit out of it and having Mean Girls marathons. If you’re a Mean Girls fan, celebrate today with this list of 25 other movies you’ll adore. On this, the greatest of all days, we must share the love.

1. Saved!

An absolutely savage satire of life at a Christian High School, Saved! was supposed to be the coming out party for Mandy Moore’s career, deliciously sinking her teeth into the role of a controlling queen bee. That never happened, but you have this underrated, quotable gem to console you anyway.

2. Election

The never-better Reese Witherspoon tears the roof off of this movie, an adaptation of Tom Perrotta’s slim novel about the politics of high school elections. Bonus points for an absolutely horrid-looking at Matthew Broderick, making us rethink being attracted to him in Ferris Bueller.

3. Heathers

The darkest comedy ever made about high school, Heathers was conceived as the Full Metal Jacket of teen movies. Winona Ryder stars as a popular girl in a Plastics-like clique who gets tricked into murdering all of her friends — and then covering it up as suicide. The script was penned by Daniel Waters (brother to Mark) and it’s comic savagery is truly inimitable.

4. Metropolitan

Writer-director Whit Stillman creates a world of dialogue that exists only in his movies, creating a posh language of pop culture references, literary allusions and affectations that’s both an ode to the young and pretentious and a brilliant takedown of them. Metropolitan is like Woody Allen for kids, and it both makes you nostalgic for your youth, and glad you never have to be that clueless again.

5. Bring It On

There’s a reason that Bring It On has hung around: It’s a sharp, energetic take on the compromises we take to fit in during high school and what it means to stand out. Unlike other high school films, it doesn’t beat you over the head with its messages about non-conformity, instead giving you smart, witty characters to root for and a bittersweet ending that’s just right.

6. Bachelorette

Also starring Kirsten Dunst, Bachelorette is like what would happen when the Plastics grew up, and writer-director Leslye Headland goes all-in on this pitch-black comedy. Bachelorette is so accurate about female friendships and rivalries its actively painful to watch, but it’s also buoyantly hilarious, thanks to a truly committed performance from the always wonderful Isla Fisher.

Bonus: The genius cult classic Drop Dead Gorgeous, also starring Kirsten Dunst.

7. The Perks of Being A Wallflower

Perks plays the horrors of high school for a very different tone — a hopeful and nostalgic movie about the relationships we build and the people we have to let go. Stephen Chbosky adapted his own book for the film, and it’s the rare adaptation that works just as well on the screen as the page. Bring every tissue you can find.

8. Diner

Coming-of-age movies don’t get much better than Diner, Barry Levinson’s 1982 classic about four guys struggling with adulthood. The largely improvised movie shows how we change as our friendships do and perfectly captures what it’s like to have to move on in your early 20s, when you’re not quite ready to grow.

9. Cruel Intentions

If you don’t have Dangerous Liaisons around, you could do worse than Roger Kumble’s trashy-yet-fun adaptation of the classic Choderlos de Laclos novel. It’s anything but perfect, but Sarah Michelle Gellar vamping it up in full drag queen mode to the tune of “Bittersweet Symphony” is worth the price of admission alone.

10. 10 Things I Hate About You

Although a flop upon release, this Shakespeare adaptation later found the cult it deserved by being much better than anyone expected. Pulling together a strong teen ensemble — with a young Heath Ledger, Joseph Gordon-Levitt and an in-her-prime Julia Stiles — 10 Things is a wise and funny movie about teen relationships that looks at stereotypes with a knowing wink. She’s All That stole its thunder, but 10 Things did high school justice.

11. Pretty in Pink

No one alive understood teenage angst better than the non-teenage John Hughes, and his movies are a perfect glimpse at a time when you’re trying to be an adult without knowing what that means. Pretty in Pink asks difficult questions about what it means to love someone who can never return the gesture — and when it’s time to fight and time to move on. John Hughes just gets it.

12. The Last Picture Show

Like a much sadder Friday Night Lights set in the 1950s, Peter Bodganovich’s 1971 classic is about teens coming of age in a small Texas town, set against the backdrop of football and the closing of the town’s movie house. The movie is desolate and gorgeous, sexy and devastating — about the lessons we learn the hard way and the ones we might never learn.

13. Welcome to the Dollhouse

I have a difficult time sitting through Todd Solondz’s sociological ode to growing up unpopular, because Dawn Wiener hits too close to home. Solondz makes you feel just how mean kids can be, and the experience of Welcome to the Dollhouse is brilliantly devastating, like reliving the worst parts of your youth all over again. Make sure to bill all future therapy to Todd Solondz.

14. Never Been Kissed

Never Been Kissed is like the nicer version of Dollhouse, when you grow up, get hot, have to go back to high school as an undercover reporter and fall in love with your hottie teacher (Michael Vartan) but not before becoming the most popular and beloved girl in school for most of the reasons you were unpopular the first time. At least that’s how I wish it happened.

15. Fame

Fame is like Glee except that it doesn’t make me want to tear my eyes out and bleed to death slowly. Alan Parker’s 1980 musical drama is still the best ever made about young people singing their feelings, so iconic that it will continue to be remade for the rest of time. Like the song suggests, Fame lives forever.

16. Fast Times at Ridgemont High

Before making his flawless directorial debut with Say Anything…, Cameron Crowe wrote the script for Fast Times, directed by Clueless’ Amy Hecklerling. This was the 80s teen movie that started it all, a perfect mixture poignancy, pathos and uproarious raunch. It also helped make Pheobe Cates the most desired woman in America for positively two seconds.

17. She’s the Man

Amanda Bynes is a connoisseur of the teen genre, between Sydney White and What A Girl Wants, but this is one of her brightest spots, a goofy update of Twelfth Night that she seriously kills. Bynes was born to be a comedienne, with a way of making everything she does funny, and this movie is a glimpse into what could have been.

Also check out: The ever-wonderful Hairspray, in which Bynes has a choice supporting role.

18. Rushmore

Rushmore is just about as good as it gets, an absurdly charming movie about a ludicrously over-involved prep school student put on academic probation. Wes Anderson’s second film is still one of his finest, whose Max Fischer is both annoying and totally wonderful. He might be kind of a bastard now, but Max Fischer could grow up to be a cool guy someday. Get back to him in ten years.

19. The Faculty

By the man who penned Scream, The Faculty was one of that series’ many teen horror offspring, but it’s one of the best. Directed by Robert Rodriguez, the film’s fabulous cast gives Kevin Williamson’s dialogue real zest, with Famke Janssen, Piper Laurie, Josh Hartnett, Elijah Wood, Clea DuVall and Salma Hayek to deliver it. Props for casting Usher in the same role he always played in the 90s, the cool black guy you know because he’s so cool.

Note: If you haven’t seen Scream, you should do that now.

20. Strangers With Candy

Spawned from the Comedy Central cult TV show, Strangers with Candy is one of the weirdest comic creations in history, about the vaudevillian misadventures of a 46-year-old ex-junkie who goes back to high school. Amy Sedaris’ Jerri Blank is bizarre, inappropriate and totally hilarious, a future Halloween costume just begging to be worn.

21. Jawbreaker

The tart and twisted Jawbreaker is an obvious descendant of Heathers, but Rose McGowan gives Darren Stein’s script a life all its own. Set against a candy-colored backdrop, McGowan’s Courtney Shayne is the reason to watch the movie, a teen queen so magnetically awful you can’t help but root for her. If bad looks this delicious, who wants to be good?

22. Easy A

Easy A became a sleeper hit in 2009 for re-introducing the world to Emma Stone, who had never been quite this good before. Stone nails the film’s mile-a-minute one-liners, which made this slut-shaming comedy better than it had any right to be, an unexpected teen classic.

23. The House Bunny

Stone also appeared alongside Anna Faris in this underrated 2008 comedy, but no one noticed because Faris stole the show. Faris continually surprises by just how brilliant she is, able to elevate decent material to another level. This pleasant movie about girl world got taken up to 11 with her performance, simultaneously deranged, sly and uproarious, showing why Anna Faris is one of the funniest women alive.

24. Clueless

The quintessential 90s comedy, Clueless was a lot smarter than we all realized when we were in middle school. Amy Heckerling’s script, based on years of research on Valley Girl-speak, is a satire of California girls that’s so gentle it’s like a big hug. It’s brilliantly quotable and years later, still rings totally true. We all are Cher Horowitz, just as clueless as ever.

25. Pitch Perfect

This sharp 2012 comedy is quickly getting the reputation of being “the new Mean Girls,” but we all know there can only be one. That, however, shouldn’t stop you from enjoying Pitch Perfect, which boasts a truly on-her-game Rebel Wilson, making every line count as Fat Amy. I want to be Fat Amy when I grow up.

Extra Credit: Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Sure, the TV show is better, but you need to see where it all began.

           ….Because contrary to popular belief, Black Girls are not natural-born angry, bitter, bitchface-struggling beings, we actually like things too. Also, while it has been amusing to sit on the sidelines of this week’s White Girls war on TC, I thought I’d remind everyone Black women exist and can speak for themselves (and every single Black person on earth too). Because obviously this list is Gospel truth and is meant to be taken as such.

1. Weaves that are on point.

2. Braids that are on point.

3. Natural hair: Talking about their journey to natural hair, considering going natural, or saying how they would never go natural.

4. “Good hair.”

5. Talking about hair in general, and our hair-related struggles that have involved blood, sweat, and tears since we were kids.

6. The Color Purple.

7. When almost any Black person is competing against people of other races White people in just about anything and ends up winning.

8. When attractive Black men date Black women.

9. When attractive White men date Black women.

10. When attractive men of other races/ethnicities date Black women.

11. When a guy of any race is hitting on you and the first words that come from his mouth are NOT, “I really like Black women” or anything to do with something chocolate-flavored, or being someone’s future Black Nubian queen.

12. Any man who says he’s an “ass man.” Chances are, many a Black girl will start getting excited that they have an upper-hand in something.

13. The fact that having an ass  has been deemed desirable in popular culture. (Despite it being popularized by many non-Black women even when the stereotype of Black women with big butts has been around forever.)

14. The TV Show, “Scandal.”

15. #Whitegirlproblems

16. Making fun of #Whitegirlproblems including but not limited to PSL struggles, “tan lines,” and the propensity to age poorly.

17. THE FACT THAT GOOD BLACK DON’T CRACK!

18. #Blackgirlproblems

19. When White women (and men) simply acknowledge that they are privileged because of their race.

20. When non-Black people recognize that Black girls come in all shapes, sizes, colors, and backgrounds!

21. (Specifically pertaining to U.S. Americans): When people recognize that not every Black girl (living in the USA) is “African-American.”

22. Watching White Girls dance/become hot messes at the club.

23. When the person who is being loud in a public place is not Black.

24. When Black women express anger at the unique racism and sexism they might face, without being silenced and labeled, “Angry, Black women,” thus attempting to de-legitimize the intersectional prejudice.

25. Having White friends who “just get it.”

26. Mean Girls…the original and this parody:

27. Being I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T.

28. Wanting/having a man who is “man enough.”

29. The freedom to say “nigger” when a song comes on even if they would ordinarily not say it (and secretly laughing at all the different reactions White people will have in the same instance).

30. Fried chicken, unless of course they are vegetarians, vegans, or simply prefer their chicken grilled.

31. Running things and knowing full-well that no BS affirmative-action or lenience was given to them along the way. But they actually had to work twice as hard to get half as much, and are still heading straight to the top anyway. (Yes, I stole that “having to work twice as hard” line from Scandal last night but the struggle is real.)

32. The occasional Pumpkin Spice Latte from Starbucks and cute fall sweaters. Crazy huh?!

Shutterstock

I sit here writing this surrounded by my various Apple products and Starbucks, wearing my usual Sperry’s and leggings. I am the stereotypical American white girl. Judge me, rest of the world. Due to social networks (looking at you, tumblr), I’ve become the epitome of this stereotype; thus, I present to you: An Open Letter to the Stereotypical White Girl.

Dear other stereotypical white girls,

It’s fall. This is our time to shine. Our prime, if you will. October is our favorite month. National Mean Girls Day, pumpkin flavored items are back, scarf season; it’s like a perfect storm of everything that makes us who we are.

I’m going to begin by getting the negative out of the way. There are some things some of us do that just need to not be a thing. Don’t get offended. You’re all my sisters in white girl-ness, and I still love you.

Problems I have with the white girl stereotype:

• Uggs. Stop trying to make them happen. They never should have happened. They should stop happening.
• Tanning. Ladies, skin cancer isn’t worth it.
• Dressing like hipsters. You’re not one. Don’t try to be one. Telling people you are one doesn’t make you any more of one. You’re a stereotypical white girl. Everything a hipster doesn’t want to be. Own it.
• Twerking. Unless you are blessed with a twerk-worthy booty, stop. That is until you get alcohol in you, because then YOUR DANCING GETS SO MUCH BETTER, obvi.
• Keeping Up With The Kardashians. Just why?
• Playing dumb. Hashtag I can’t.

Society tries bringing us down as a population by making us seem shallow and unintelligent. It’s okay. I’m here for you. So what if we like Starbucks more than we like a lot of things in life? It’s described as “the place for people who don’t know anything about coffee.” That’s okay with me. It’s not like I actually like regular old black coffee anyway. I would much rather drink something that tastes nothing like coffee and is high in calorie count. Sue me. I am completely unashamed to admit that I can quote Mean Girls word for word and may or may not have a pin board devoted to Ryan Gosling memes and my inevitable dream wedding to him (because it’s going to happen. My condolences to the rest of you).  I might be overly patriotic (Is there such a thing?), I love my dog more than I love people (but she’s so cute. How can you not?), and deep down I really like playing video games (despite the fact that I absolutely suck at them). We’ve mastered the “sorority squat”; but sorry, it’s a technique that makes us look better in pictures than anyone else ever will. I will continue to talk about the embarrassingly large amount of time I spend on Netflix watching shows about vampires and Pretty Little Liars. Judge me, society, judge me. I’m definitely not the only one.

But, excuse me, I have a “Crafts That I’ll Never Actually Do” pinboard waiting for me.

Signing off in the wise words of Carrie Bradshaw (who might be my spirit animal): “They say nothing lasts forever; dreams change, trends come and go, but friendships never go out of style.” Here’s to you, white girls.

On Wednesdays we wear pink. 

Girls learn to be small. To be thinner, quieter, sexless but sexy, willing and more apologetic. More observational, deservedly outcasted and silenced because they’re crazy and disregarded because they’re not. They learn to be beautiful because they fit into one tiny definition of what that means. Loved because they reduced themselves to a life of appeasing others.

They learn that gay men are cute best friends to throw on their arms like accessories and lesbians are disgusting butch dykes. That man tears are sexy and woman tears are crazy. That teenagers are in and of themselves deranged, as their aunts nudge their mothers grinning, “good luck with those teenage years,” as if it’s a time of blossoming to be ordained as such, not embraced. As though letting the reigns loose will always result in complete anarchy. As though defiant girls who want to think and act and be for themselves is the ultimate evil, the most deserved use of our energy.

They’re taught that sex is scarier and more disgusting when done between two consenting adults and deserves more attention than sex trafficking does because which do they learn about more? That their all-loving and forgiving God will banish them if they don’t feel they belong in a hetero-normative family, though, how can you blame them, as they watch their parents trying to escape it by any means.

They learn that the mean girls deserve the title of “mean,” because they aren’t taught to stop and realize that they are hurting too. Maybe more than they can even comprehend. Because they’re the ones acting out on it. That they have unhappy families and burgeoning waistlines and uncertainties about whether or not they’ll ever be good enough to love, just like anybody else.

They learn that people should be boxed into groups, delineated into who is who and made worthy only by those names. Those belittling names. Names they’ll spend the rest of their lives trying to prove to themselves that they’re not. Weird and antisocial and fat and ugly and stupid and lesbian and disgusting and slutty and whorish and annoying.

Those are all names I’ve been called.

And their teachers and guidance counselors and parents, bless their hearts, want to help, but it’s always done with the foundational understanding that they should be guiding them to behave when what they really need is someone to run wild along with them until they find themselves at the far reaches of where their lives push them. They need friends and mentors more than they need disciplinarians. They need truth rather than convoluted lies intended to trick them into behaving. Behaving, which means, to be what other people think is ideal. Become small for them.

Girls are only supposed to be small.

They are taught that though they should acknowledge the ripe fire inside them, the one that wants to be fed with exploration of their bodies and of others, of what it means to be who they are and where their limits lie… that they should resist their urge to defy convention. Because nobody tells them how to explore life with strength and duration and honesty and fearlessness and self-respect and reverence for the sanctity of their beings. And they only sometimes acknowledge that they will explore regardless. 

They learn that they need classes on history and math more than they need to know about their rights and lack-there-of. That learning about the benefits of abstinence is enough to keep them safe. And they aren’t taught that feelings do not make them crazy, therapy isn’t shameful, that they’re probably more normal than they think and more unique than they can understand, that their short skirts don’t account for why that guy did that weird thing they didn’t want them to way back when and that they are not just the summation of what they can do for other people, though that’s what people will expect regardless.

Girls are taught to be small and rise in hatred when they need to be big and rise in love. For themselves, for those who hurt them, for who they were and who they will be, in forgiveness for what was done and in remorse and honesty about the mistakes they’ve made, but with no apology about who they are.

Girls learn that there is a choice for every woman, and it’s whether or not they’re going to constrict themselves or expand themselves. Nobody teaches them that each woman doing so, one by one, will start a revolution. And maybe that’s the most important lesson of all. 

Laura Jayne Martin: Hi Elias. Welcome to this very real podcast that is not a gchat. Thanks for coming on.

Elias Tezapsidis: Oh my god. I’m so excited. I’ve heard amazing things about this radical concept. Is it as rad as people say? 

LJM: Well, it’s pretty popular for a podcast that is definitely real.

Elias: Yes, I saw it on Buzzfeed. LOVE Buzzfeed. What a great site. If it was a humanoid we’d call it a mensch.

LJM: What are the top 25 things you love about Buzzfeed?

Elias: 1. Lists

LJM: Time for my first real question, what’s the sexiest food?

Elias: *trying not to scream avocado* I think I’d probably go with lychee.

LJM: Actually, most fruit is pretty hot.

Elias: Nothing like a bunch of gelatinous lychees on a hot summer day on a Chinatown rooftop while you’re naked—seedy observation.

LJM: Speaking of seedy, what is your favorite room in which to kiss people? 

Elias: Anywhere works except the bathroom. I don’t like shower sex. 

LJM: What about sink sex? Toilet sex?

Elias: The wetness gets in the texture of skin. Sink sex, I’ve never had. And yeah back to skin, what s your favorite song from Rihanna’s LOUD?

LJM: Probably the one where she vocalizes in the intro.

Elias: Sorry I’m asking the questions. I have an investigatory nature.

LJM: Switching gears, where do you spin?

Elias: SoulCycle is my #1 choice, but also MY HEAD.

LJM: Next question, why do you love Lindsay Lohan, in 4 lines?

Elias: Okay. Snorting the first three. I JUST LIKE THAT SHE S THE INTERNET. Also, I dig that she was queer unapologetically.

LJM: I agree, plus I liked her in Mean Girls.

Elias: She was the first lipstick female person teenage star to not explain her sexuality.

LJM I haven’t researched that.

Elias: She hasn’t done much serious work.

LJM: What about Freaky Friday?

Elias: I don’t like Freaky Friday… she’s too young in it. (for me)

LJM: Since this is an audio podcast, I feel like that was a verbal subtweet.

Elias: It was. Laura, I don’t get why you like Lolitas. It weirds me out.

LJM: This is the thing about me that you choose to be weirded out by?

Elias: I thought I wasn’t supposed to talk about your kegel exercises and stuff. 

LJM: You are walking a line thinner than the terrifying women you like to …date. 

Elias: They’re only terrifying you because you let them. By that I mean you see their evilness and your fate is doomed.

LJM: How does one avoid that? 

Elias: I think I’ll keep dating food.

LJM: It’s probably for the best.

Elias: It’s going very well!

LJM: Is there a Grindr for food? 

Elias: Seamless? 

LJM: Foodr. 

Elias: Am I supposed to pretend I’m naturally thin and blessed here? 

LJM: You are as thin as me. Since this is an audio podcast I will elaborate: I am a thin “woman.”

Elias: OMG Dear listeners, this is where you must know the podcast monster behind this microphone believes in open love. LIKE ACTUALLY. She’s a man I tell you. 

LJM: Listeners, I believe in open sex and closed love.

Elias: OMG STOP BEING SUCH A MAN.

LJM: Does that make me a monster?

Elias: Open sex when in closed love?

LJM: Sort of. I think, ideally, if you’re lucky enough to find someone you truly love that it should not prohibit you from having sex with other people. You, much more than me, exist in circles where this is the norm. 

Elias: You’re transgressing all norms.

LJM: I think many people believe in those things.

Elias: Yeah, that’s why some of my romantic interests are not interesting me. But as a Taurus, I want stability, a nice home.

LJM: As a Taurus?!

Elias: And above all lots of good food and sex 4 evah.

LJM: I think we can wrap up here. Thanks so much for coming on the podcast, Elias. 

Elias: Great. I loved being the lady here. * burps, farts *

LJM: No lady could maintain your jawline and facial hair.

—END TRANSMISSION—

Resident Love Guru Derek Marshall published an article yesterday called “6 Signs He’s Completely Fallen For You.” I’m going to hit it from the female perspective with signs that your lady friend might be a bit head over heels.

Granted, unlike Mr. Marshall, I tend to fall in front of people more often than I do for them, so take this perspective for what it’s worth.

1. When meeting her friends for the first time, you get the vague feeling that they already know you. Well, not in the literal sense, but you can bet your last High Life that she has already briefed her friends on everything that is necessary to know about you. And at least 8/10 of them have skimmed your Facebook profile.

2. In social gatherings, some of her friends stare at you with steely-eyed resentment because she will not shut up about you when hanging out with them. Frankly, they’re sick of hearing about how you also like her favorite band or told a hilarious joke about Justin Bieber (it really wasn’t that funny).

3. You had no idea she even followed the NBA, but all of a sudden, she seems to have memorized every relevant nugget of knowledge or statistic about the Denver Nuggets…which happens to be your favorite team (God knows why).

4. She is trying really, really hard to ingratiate herself with your friends. This means that she is trying to become more acquainted with them so that she can casually drop questions about your current relationship status. The easiest way to a dude’s heart, after all, is through his friends. And Chipotle.

5. She squeals a little too loudly when she discovers your shared interests. When she found that copy of The Shining in your room? She almost peed her pants. Because that’s, like, her favorite film, and y’all are definitely #soulmates.

6. While talking to her, you notice that she has a habit of grinning at random moments during the conversation. Even when you’re discussing relatively mundane subjects — like the number of hours you spent on your Corporate Finance homework last night or the amount of mileage on your 2003 Toyota Camry.

7. She actually talks to you — this is according to a group of male students I polled, who were studying physical chemistry (pchem, for those on the pre-med or science tracks) in the library on a Thursday evening. They granted me permission to share this monumental tip.

8. Her stream-of-conscious slips are so blatant that Freud himself could rise from his grave and dance a jig atop his tombstone. For example, she might accidentally say, “Yeah, I’m totally into you” when she meant to say, “Yeah, I’m totally into that” in reference to a group project you two are working on. Oopsie.

9. She jumps onto any opportunity to do small favors for you — like, for example, bringing you tea when you’re sick or helping you study for an exam that you forgot was the next day. There may or may not be ulterior motives behind this friendly helpfulness, but how much does that matter to you?

10. She compliments unexpected aspects of your appearance. It would be so #obvious if she were to say something like, “Wow, your lips look particularly plump today” or “you have such beautiful eyes” (learn from my mistakes, y’all)…but you know she’s smitten when she compliments, say, your hair or your exceptional earlobes, bro. It means she notices.

Bitches. They’ve been around since the dawn of time, or at least that’s what I like to believe. I think it’s safe to say we’ve all encountered and displayed varying degrees of bitchiness since entering grade school, the source often found within the group of the “popular” girls. Were they popular because they were naturally bitches or were they bitches because they were popular and it was expected of them? The world may never know.

In the 5th grade, I briefly associated with these popular girls (I must’ve fooled them into thinking I was cool with my overwhelming 10 year old wit and charm). Once, they decided they were mad at one of the girls in the group. I had no reason to be mad at her, so I wasn’t, and I would hang out with her after school. When the others found out, I was immediately mocked, threatened to be kicked out of “the group,” and then ignored for the rest of the day. The next day they were all friends again. Bitches.

The bitchiness continued throughout high school. I no longer tried to associate with the “popular” girls, realizing that popularity is a made up concept and truly a waste of my time; I had college applications and AP classes to worry about, I could care less about my status in my high school in a tiny town. But I did have a nice group of friends who provided me with ample social activities and all things considered “cool” to do as teenagers — going to concerts, parties, and all that fun stuff. We were all very close, until one day senior year, they decided they decided they didn’t like me anymore. From what I gathered, I simply wasn’t cool enough for them. Bitches!

These days, I’ve smartened up and try to stay away from these malicious girls. I am a 21 year old woman, I see no need to fit in with people who think that being cool and popular are still the most important things in life. While I’d like to think that most other 21 year olds feel the same, I see this venomous behavior all the time. I’ve noticed that on Twitter, even for myself, the tweets that are sassy and vilifying often receive the most recognition; I think there is a fine line between spunky and bitchy that many people cross without realizing. And we continue to feed each other’s bitchy egos on a daily basis through favorites, retweets, and likes.

TV shows and movies promote this idea that it’s cool to be a bitch all the time. Look at Shannen Doherty as Brenda Walsh in Beverly Hills 90210, and more recently, Mila Kunis as Jackie Burkhart in That 70’s Show. These girls, whether you loved them or hated them, were undoubtedly cool. They were gorgeous, usually got to date the hottest guys on the show, and always seemed to be getting in fights with other girls. When Laurie Forman on That 70’s Show tells Jackie to watch her back after a dispute over a boy, Jackie promptly responds with, “Really? Cause you should stop spending so much time on yours.” This was of course followed by an immediate laugh track and round of applause.

Why do we continue to glamorize this behavior? Why is it cool to turn to Twitter to make fun of the girl sitting next to you in class, who you don’t even know a little bit? I don’t have the answer, but I’m guessing that it’s because saying something mean online is relatively therapeutic and has little consequence. Well, except of course that you’ll look like a cold-hearted wench, even if deep down you’re a nice person.

I’m concerned about how proud some people are of possessing this nasty attitude. They arrogantly mock the troubles and stupidity of those around them in a way that may try to be humorous, but often sounds uncouth. There is a difference between confidently standing up for what you believe in and speaking your mind, and just being plain rude. Women’s opinions are still not always taken as seriously as those of men (it’s 2014, how is this still an issue?), and it is truly imperative for us to take charge and stand up for ourselves. Sometimes that does require an attitude that some, especially men, label “bitchy” when it is really just passionate and fierce. The kind of “bitchy” behavior I’m condemning is the kind that is spiteful and catty solely to boost your ego.

I’m not immune to this behavior, and I’m in no way trying to sound superior or preachy to my fellow women. I’m as critical as they come, and I will call you out on your shit in a heartbeat if I think you deserve it. We’ve all had moments where we embrace our inner bitch, as we should. Sometimes it’s the right thing to do. But it pains me to see girls who are relentlessly mocking others like they are above them, often trying to rise to the top of the popularity contest that Twitter and other forms of social media have seem to become. You’re not better or cooler than someone because you make fun of people — that’s not how life works. Weren’t we all supposed to realize this after middle school?

As the great Samantha Jones once said, “I support you, and these bitches need to be put in their places.”

Mean Girls (Widescreen Edition)

April 30, 2014 marks the 10^th anniversary of what might just be the most quotable film ever. Mean Girls has unmatched replay value and is stuffed full of fantastic, hilarious lines that fans have memorized and use daily, to the point where it has become its own dialect. Seriously, people can find ways to incorporate it into any and every conversation.

So how do you narrow down an abundance of quotes and select just one from a glorious, praiseworthy bunch? I chose this – a tournament built on an impartial foundation. Don’t be angry at me for the top 16 quotes that made the bracket, because they were selected and ranked based solely on how many YouTube views the had.

My personal opinions do rear their heads when two quotes battle it out and I decide which one advances, but I’ve seen this movie an impressive (or embarrassing, depending who you ask) number of times. Let’s settle this once and for all and answer the 10-year-old question, what’s the best Mean Girls quote of them all?

THE PLASTICS REGION ROUND 1

(1.) You go, Glen Coco vs. (8) Don’t have sex, cause you will get pregnant and die.

It was going to be unfortunate for whatever line had to go head-to-head with Glen Coco because that’s a staple of Mean Girls quoting. The 8-seed “Don’t have sex” line is gold, as it continues “Don’t have sex in the missionary position, don’t have sex standing up, just don’t do it. OK, promise? OK, now everybody take some rubbers.” That being said, this is an unfair fight that ends with one win for Glen Coco and none for Coach Carr.
WINNER: (1.)You go, Glen Coco

(4) We should totally just stab Caesar! vs. (5) Fat whore.

The Caesar spiel is epic and the full thing goes as follows:

Why should Caesar get to stomp around like a giant while the rest of us try not to get smushed under his big feet? What’s so great about Caesar? Huh? Brutus is just as cute as Caesar. Brutus is just as smart as Caesar. People totally like Brutus just as much as they like Caesar. And when did it become okay for one person to be the boss of everybody, huh? Because that’s not what Rome is about. We should totally just STAB Caesar!

Now, that’s an amazing rant perfectly delivered by Gretchen and it’s even better because hardcore fans can test their skills by trying to recite the entire monologue. Then you compare it to this brief exchange:

Mr. Duvall: [Reading] “Kaitlyn Caussin is a… “
Regina: Fat whore! [goes back to crying]

One is lengthy, the other is a quick hitter, but man does it pack a punch. I don’t think Gretchen’s father, the inventor of Toaster Strudel would be too pleased to hear this, but Regina’s hilarious moment earns a hearty laugh from me every single time, and for that it must advance in this tournament.
WINNER: (5) Fat whore.

(3) Kevin G rap. vs. (6) Your mom’s chest hair!

Here are the lyrics to the hot fire spit by Kevin Gnapoor: “Yo Yo Yo! All you sucka MCs ain’t got nothin’ on me! From my grades, to my lines you can’t touch Kevin G! I’m a mathlete, so nerd is inferred, but forget what you heard I’m like James Bond the third, sh-sh-sh-shaken not stirred. I’m Kevin Gnapoor! The G’s silent when I sneak through your door, and make love to your woman on the bathroom floor. I don’t play it like Shaggy, you’ll know it was me, cause the next time you see her she’ll be like, OOOH! KEVIN G!”

Then you have “Your mom’s chest hair!” which is a comeback used by Janis when a guy asks her what her wig is made out of. It’s tough to choose between the two, one is a remarkable rap that is more lyrically impressive than 50% of the hip-hop currently being played on the radio. The other is a line that I legitimately use multiple times every week. Because Kevin G’s flow is so personal to him while Janis’ snappy insult can be used hundreds of thousands of times, even when the context makes little sense, it makes it to the second round by a… hair.
WINNER: (6) Your mom’s chest hair!

(2) You can’t sit with us! vs. (7) Oh my God, Danny DeVito, I love your work!

A guy chasing a girl out of the bathroom and calling her Danny DeVito is funny, but “YOU CAN’T SIT WITH US!” is on another level. Frankly I’m disappointed it doesn’t have over a million views on YouTube and wasn’t a 1-seed in this bracket, but it’s worthy of a dominant win here.
WINNER: (2)You can’t sit with us!

NORTH SHORE REGION ROUND 1

(1) She doesn’t even go here! vs. (8) That is so fetch.

Here’s another tough first round matchup that is closer than you might think, but you’ve got to consider the x-factor, which is what happens directly before “She doesn’t even go here!” is uttered from a hooded, incognito Damian. A hilarious crying woman giving an emotional speech is worthy of bonus points. I wanted ‘fetch’ to happen but it runs the risk of becoming overused, watered-down lingo whereas its opponent is a classic moment. WINNER: (1) She doesn’t even go here!

(4) So you agree – you think you’re really pretty? vs. (5) I’m a mouse, duh.

The full 4-seed dialogue goes as follows:
Regina: But you’re, like, really pretty.
Cady: Thank you.
Regina: So you agree?
Cady: What?
Regina: You think you’re really pretty?
Cady: Oh… I don’t know

It’s funny because this interaction is exactly why so many people have trouble accepting a compliment. Here’s the “I’m a mouse” exchange:

Gretchen: What are you supposed to be?
[Karen points to mouse ear headband]
Karen: I’m a mouse. Duh!

I was actually shocked to see that the latter had 300,000+ views and ranked so high, as there are certainly funnier moments, one of which being Regina’s compliment and uncomfortable inquisition.
WINNER: (4) So you agree – you think you’re really pretty?

(3) I saw Cady Herring wearing army pants and flip-flops, so I bought army pants and flip-flops. vs. (6) Boo, you whore.

That army pants & flip-flops bit is a personal favorite because it’s sadly accurate to real life and trends. It’s basically the brief humor movie version of Malcolm Gladwell’s The Tipping Point, but “Boo, you whore” is something my brain is automatically wired to say when someone declines my invites, so I’m going to roll with that winning this clash.
WINNER: (6) Boo, you whore.

(2) It’s October 3rd. vs. (7) I can’t help it if I’ve got a heavy flow and a wide set vagina.

FUNNY = “On October 3rd, he asked me what day it was. [Aaron asks, Cady answers] It’s October 3rd.”

One of the funniest sentences in the entire history of film. = “Somebody wrote in that book that I’m lying about being a virgin, ’cause I use super-jumbo tampons, but I can’t help it if I’ve got a heavy flow and a wide-set vagina!”

This just shows how confusing the video views can be because while it’s ranked much lower, I think it handily defeats October 3^rd.
WINNER: I can’t help it if I’ve got a heavy flow and a wide set vagina.

THE PLASTICS REGION ROUND 2

(1.)You go, Glen Coco! vs. (5) Fat whore.

Let me just say that “fat whore” is a formidable opponent for the powerhouse that is Glen Coco, but I can’t deny the 3.5 million views and shirts and GIFs and overall popularity of the candy cane gram scene. Fat whore is the unsigned musician who only has 9,000 Twitter followers but is incredibly talented while Glen Coco is the mainstream singer who, at this point may’ve joined the illuminati to makeup for a lack of skills and is dominating in record sales.
WINNER: (1.) You go, Glen Coco!

(6) Your mom’s chest hair! vs. (2)You can’t sit with us!

The problem here is that your mom’s chest hair (the quote, not the literal) is worthy of more than 298,000+ views and a 6-seed. It’s actually capable of defeating some of the other lines that are still in this, but because it ran into the currently immovable object that is “You can’t sit with us!” it’ll unfortunately meet its demise.
WINNER: (2) You can’t sit with us!

NORTH SHORE REGION ROUND 2

(1) She doesn’t even go here! vs. (4) So you agree – you think you’re really pretty?

“So you agree, you think you’re really pretty?” doesn’t even go in this tournament anymore. It’s just not quite the caliber of its opponent.
WINNER: (1) She doesn’t even go here!

(6) Boo, you whore. vs. (7) I can’t help it if I’ve got a heavy flow and a wide set vagina.

Two underappreciated lines that no human should have to decide between. I’m just a man, how can I choose one or the other? I reached out to President Obama for a consultation but he’s taking forever to respond so I’ll just do the hardest thing I’ve ever done. This match goes to overtime. It has extra innings. Boo you whore is in the lead one second, then wide set vagina comes back relentlessly. Because there were two quotes containing the word whore in this tournament and one was eliminated, I must advance “Boo, you whore” for the sake of that word and its avid users.
WINNER: (6) Boo, you whore.

THE PLASTICS REGION FINALS

(1.)You go, Glen Coco! vs. (2)You can’t sit with us!

Again, how does one choose between such historical lines? It’s like asking “Free ice cream for a month or free ice cream for 4-weeks?” Both sound incredibly appealing and are worthy of appreciation, but in this case, “You can’t sit with us!” is 4-weeks and Glen Coco is a 31-day month.
WINNER: (1.)You go, Glen Coco!

NORTH SHORE REGION FINALS

(1) She doesn’t even go here! vs. (6) Boo, you whore.

UPSET ALERT! UPSET ALERT! The rankings were flawed and this moment was inevitable. “Boo, you whore” started near the bottom at 291,134 and now it’s here, attacking “She doesn’t even go here!” viciously, because that’s how things are settled in the animal world. WINNER: (6) Boo, you whore.

THE PLASTICS REGION WINNER vs. NORTH SHORE REGION WINNER FOR CHAMPIONSHIP TITLE OF BEST QUOTE OF THEM ALL: (1.)You go, Glen Coco! vs. (6) Boo, you whore.

Here we are, folks, 10 years after Mean Girls was released, still trying to figure out which line was best. We could debate this for another decade or complain about the worthy quotes left out, but let’s be real. The people know the winner. I know the winner.

It was you Glen Coco. It was always you. I loved that line, you loved that line, everyone loved that line. We still do. Whether reciting it obnoxiously right before it’s said when you watch the movie or playfully encouraging a friend, “You go Glen Coco” is the quote of all Mean Girls quotes. After this long has passed, how many more times can folks insert this phrase in their everyday lives? I’d like to think that the limit does not exist.
WINNER, CHAMPION QUOTE:

JUST MISSED THE CUT:

So if you’re from Africa, why are you white? 175,421
Oh hell no, I did not leave the Southside for this! 163,794
I’m sorry that people are so jealous of me, but I can’t help it that I’m popular. 138,174
God Karen, you are so stupid! 135,496
The limit does not exist.  123,700
I don’t hate you because you’re fat, you’re fat because I hate you. 112,902
Get In loser, we’re going shopping. 79,657 

Mean Girls

1. “She’s the queen bee – the star, those other two are just her little workers.”

As women get older, we see that the Queen bee syndrome still exists in work environments, peer groups, and social cliques. Whether she’s a CEO or the head of the community book club, the queen bee always holds the greatest amount of influence as well as intimidation over the other women. Love ‘em or hate ‘em, they’re the ones that speak their minds, make the plans, and set the trends. And let’s be honest — while Regina George may have been a total bitch, she’d probably be running a Fortune 500 today.


2. “You let it out honey–You put it in the book.”

Oooooohhhh we LOVE this!! You may think scandalmongering fizzles out after the teenage years, but the need to initiate or spread gossip will never cease to exist regardless of maturity or morality. Not only is it a great way to deflect blame and negative attention, but it helps us bond with our female cohorts–What could possibly go wrong?! Of course we all know that slander is a dishonorable trait, but anyone who claims to have never taken part in it is downright lying.

3. “You can’t like Aaron Samuels–That’s just like the rules of feminism!”

This one I still encounter in my 30’s, and it’s just as absurd now as it was in my teens. Who can understand this whole “Girl Code” thing? It’s an ever-changing game, and the rules are completely asinine! So you dated this guy 5 years ago for an entire week— I’m never allowed to date him now, even with your blessing?? Is there some dating patent I’m unaware of ? Yes, we can be supportive friends and still go out for the same job. I’m sooo sorry I bought the same J.crew sweater as you– I swear I’m not trying to disrespect you or be your clone!

Howzabout we act like adults and stop coming up with these juvenile “rules,” which are actually just self-serving schemes.

4. “Oh my God, I love your skirt! Where did you get it?”

It’s a female rule of thumb: The more smack you talk about another girl, the nicer you are to her face. How many times have you and your caddy gal been trash-talking the new intern’s fugly clothes and haircut–Then as quickly as you can say “two-faced,” she appears and the compliments pour. Oh, what a cute outfit! You look sooo great today–where do you get your hair done? If there’s anything more ugly than a woman talking smack, it’s this sort disingenuous display. If she happens to be overly complimentary, there’s a pretty good chance that she’s slamming you on the sly

5. “If only you knew how mean she really is…”

Ah, the Frenemy. I thought this one would taper off after the sorority years, but even at 32, I still admit to keeping my friends close and my enemies closer. Why do we keep people around who claim to be our friend yet cut us down more than they build us up? First of all, it’s an instinctual form of defense, especially if this “friend” holds a good deal of social clout. Also, as we get older, our social circles can start to dwindle, and we’re often terrified at the prospect of being alone. So we pretend to be friendly to women whom we detest…And chances are they’re probably doing the exact same thing.

1. The many possible reasons for the nickname, “Windy City” (Hint 1: It’s not solely because of the weather. Hint 2: Politics.)

2. The dispute for the history behind its other nickname, “The Second City.” Is it called that because of having to rebuild after the Great Chicago Fire? Or is it because of the “first city” complex New York has had about us since the 1950s? (An A. J. Liebling published an article about us being the Second City.) Meh, I prefer to tell people the former reason.

3. We are extremely tired of being compared to New York. Like, stop it. Please. (Our rent is WAY, WAY cheaper, for one thing. And they’ve also got nothing on our pizza, hot dogs, or summers. Okay, I’m done.)

Chicago Style Pizza with a rich tomato topping. Credit: caribb

4. The peasants who think it’s okay to put ketchup on hotdogs. Well, I guess we don’t understand them.

5. Complaining about the weather year-round is how we show solidarity. When we’re not freezing, we’re pouring with sweat from the humidity.

6. Speaking of the weather, it is indeed quite possible to experience all four seasons in one day.

7. No one who considers themselves a self-respecting member of the Chicago community, would ever refer to The Sears Tower as “The Willis Tower.” NO ONE.

8. Everyone ALWAYS wants to see downtown from The Sears Tower. But it actually looks more spectacular from Chicago’s fourth tallest building, the John Hancock.

Chicago from the 96th floor of John Hancock Center. Credit: Lol19

9. “Where do you live?” is code for “Which neighborhood do you live in so that I may judge the content of your character and whether or not we will actually be friends and ever hang out.”

10. St. PADDY’S DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Whatever you’re doing on St. Paddy’s day, we’re doing it better.)

11. We’re in the Midwest but we don’t really think of Chicago as a “Midwestern city.” I don’t know how to explain this one; life is weird.

12. The feelings toward Kanye are divided into, “What an embarrassment to our city” and “Kanye is the greatest rapper alive.” (And a minority of us who are neutral.)

13. You better not say anything bad about Chief Keef. (Even if someone would have to pay you to listen to anything he puts out.)

14. There is no such thing as “The subway.” It’s “The L” or “The train” or the name of the line. Get it right.

15. Taking the Red Line with packs of college students is a form of cruel and unusual punishment.

16. A moment of silence for the people who talk loudly, take calls, and/or DO NOT KNOW HOW TO MOVE TO THE BACK ON THE CTA.

17. You can figure out wherever you are as long as you know which way is East! (The lake is East.) And we’re on a grid system.

18. SOME neighborhoods in the South Side and West Side in particular have problems but nobody (with any sense) is proud of #Chiraq. And contrary to what the news might report, the city’s homicide rate went down drastically in 2013.

19. Also, the city’s skyline is indeed most beautiful from the South Side.

20. In God we trust. Followed by the Blackhawks.

21. The never-ending solemn saga that is the life and career of Derrick Rose.

22. The North Shore as depicted in Mean Girls is the North Shore in REAL LIFE! (I may or may not be half-kidding.)

23. The potholes have just been out of control this year. Woof.

24. The faithful day you find yourself sober in Wrigleyville before, during, or after a Cubs game. Think of a frat house with thousands of bros. Does that sound like hell? Yes? No? Either way, you’re probably in Wrigleyville.

25. If you’re actually interested in understanding the game of baseball, you go to a Sox game. No one actually watches baseball at Cubs games. (Also, no one expects them to win. Ever. Not even Cubs fans.)

Wrigley Field. Credit: Rdikeman

26. That one 4 am bar (example: Big City Tap, pronounced “Big Shitty Tap”) you decide to go to at 2 a.m. will ALWAYS be a bad idea. So will the 24-hour food place you inevitably decide to stop by afterwards. Many stories of shame have come out of Cheesie’s.

27. No matter how hard you resist calling Chicago’s beaches “beaches,” you will eventually start calling them beaches.

28. The Bean, is overrated, not as a piece of art but as a MUST-SEE. Don’t worry, we’ll still take you to see it when you visit.

Songquan Deng / Shutterstock.com

29. Rahm Emanuel…you either love him, hate to love him, love to hate him, or just flat-out hate him.

30. Our summers really are as great as we say they are.

31. Unlike some cities that shall remain un-named, if you love it here, respect the history, and just go about your business and do you, you’re a Chicagoan, end of story. Unless you live in the ‘burbs. Like, um, no. Bye.

Mean Girsl

Recently I went out drinking with a couple of friends of mine – a group of women all in their mid to late twenties – and we started reminiscing about our high school years. As soon as the topic came up, I expressed how much I missed my younger years. I was prettier, my boobs looked better, men liked me more, and my days were filled with carefree adventures into the woods to hook up with boys while drinking Night Train.

High school was great for me, and I assumed that my adulthood friends would feel the same. This quickly proved to be the opposite of the truth. As I went on about losing my virginity and being extremely popular, my friends grew quiet, and they looked on, nauseated and withdrawn. Finally, Clarabeth spoke:

“Uh. I hated high school.”

“Yeah, me too,” added MacKenzaline.

I was halted – stopped dead in my tracks. Clarabeth went on.

“I was bullied incessantly, and I honestly thought I wouldn’t make it out alive. I was overweight and nerdy and I really didn’t have a good time at all.”

“But Clarabeth,” I said. “You’re so beautiful now! There’s no way you were ever fat!”

A part of me couldn’t even believe that this successful and attractive woman was ever anything but. I’ll be honest, I was partially annoyed that I had been hanging out with someone that hadn’t always been cool. Sure, for her, things got better, but what does that say about me? What does it say about the company I keep? In a way, I was also sort of a victim of Clarabeth’s torment in High School, because she had such a rough go of it that it forced her to improve herself, and now she’s sort of tricking cool people like me into hanging out with her. In a way, I was sort of being bullied by how unbullyable Clarabeth had become.

As my friends went on about their troublesome formative years, I began to notice a consistent theme. They were all bullied. They were all bullied by young girls that sounded a lot like a younger version of myself. And as I listened to what they had to say, I was struck with a sense of shame. Not guilt, mind you, I didn’t feel bad about the way I had treated other girls in high school – but shame. I felt shame that my so called friends would have hated me when I was much younger. The fact that they now don’t understand how much fun bullying was, and how good it makes you feel, is sort of unnerving.
There’s a huge problem with the way the media portrays bullies. We paint them as these emotionless monsters that only exist as characters in the lives of the bullied. That’s really unfair to the bullies – sure, they’re mean spirited and they’re hurting the unpopular kids, but they’re still people. They’re still fucking children, and you shouldn’t judge them so harshly.

The entire anti-bullying set forgets that bullies have the same emotions as their “victims.” A lot of people recognize that bullies deride and humiliate others from a place of pain. They bully to correct some sort of self-esteem issue in themselves, and if you look at the way society is constructed, we don’t coexist on a lateral plane. There’s a pecking order, and if you’re not shitting on the person directly below you, you’re taking shit from the person directly above. A bully isn’t a perpetrator so much as they’re just someone that’s powerless to change the system they were born into. And beyond that, bullying is kind of fun and it makes you feel better about yourself. Bullying is empowering.

I tried to explain to my friends that bullying isn’t something that women should shy away from. When men do it, it’s just considered healthy competition, but when women like myself do it, we’re seen as bitchy and cruel. That’s not the case at all. In fact, as a feminist, I feel like it’s important to do just a little bit of bullying. I know – it sounds like it’s just putting other women down for no reason, and you’re not actually empowering yourself – but, you are empowering yourself. You feel good, it makes you popular with the boys and the girls that are prettier than you, and again, it’s really funny sometimes.

Women have to constantly fight to be seen as funny, and to take bullying away from us is just another attempt the silence the female sense of humor. Don’t think girl-on-girl bullying is funny? Guess what, you need to analyze your feelings towards women. You’re actually a misogynist.

Let’s also not ignore the fact that all of my friends, who were sitting at that table and who now looked like they fit in with someone like me, have better lives now. I’m the one that ended up lamenting the passing of time and the decline of my social status. Do you really think those women would have improved themselves, lost the weight, got contacts, breast implants, and learned how to drink and get fucked up if it weren’t for girls like me guiding them with criticism and physical intimidation? Do you think Clarabeth would be hot now if her “tormenter” hadn’t put dog shit in her locker and threw a cup of piss at her at homecoming? Of course not. She would have stayed fat. She would have stayed unsocial. Bullying is a corrective action and it works to empower both the bully and the bullied. Bullying is just a form of social bonding.

My friends, of course, weren’t hearing it.

“Nicole that’s really fucked up and wrong. We shouldn’t teach girls to bully each other. We should teach them to be more supportive and accepting,” said the former cow, Clarabeth.

“Clarabeth, I think you’ve had a little bit too much to eat. Your blood sugar must be off.”

“This is all I’ve had today!” she contested, gesturing at her salad.

“Well, let’s not forget that you were fat at one point. I was never fat. I’m not the one who needs to question her eating habits.”

With that, Clarabeth pushed aside her plate and scowled. She was about to further her argument when I stopped her. I placed my hand on her arm, looked into her eyes, and showed her just how easily I proved my point.

“Girl, look what you just did!”

“What?” stammered the recovering nerd.

“You just stopped yourself from overeating… because I bullied you. What I just did, right there, was bullying, and it helped you to make a decision that affects your life in a positive way. You can say whatever you want, but I think my point here has been thoroughly made. Ladies?”

I looked around the table. My friends held their heads low, probably in shame. The thing about being me is that not only am I the prettiest of my group of friends, but in times like this, I prove that I’m also the smartest. Yeah, I bully. But I bully because I care about my girls. I bully because I care about empowering them as much as myself.

“I don’t know why we hang out with you, Nicole,” said MacKenzaline.

“Because I’m better than you, MacKenzaline,” I explained to the blubbering idiot. “Because I’m better than you.”

1. Trying to make each other jealous via Instagram photos

It usually starts like this, “I’m gonna take this photo ‘cause this guy I like is gonna see it and then he’s gonna fall in love with me. Or text me.” We’ve all done it. But THEN, there’s another level that’s the really, really bad kind and that’s when the intention turns into “I’m gonna do this ’cause the girl he’s dating isn’t as good as me and when he sees it he’ll know.” Don’t do that to your sister, you don’t know her. Or maybe you DO and maybe she does suck. Don’t manipulate how awesome YOU are by trying to make her look silly, just keep being awesome. It’ll speak for itself.

2. Private messaging other people’s boyfriends

Unless this guy is your close friend and his girlfriend is not only comfortable with you, but knows you, a private Facebook message isn’t necessary. It isn’t an email that’s more formal, it isn’t a text that’s open and direct, a Facebook message is something that lingers. It opens doors. It’s late night chats when you’re feeling lonely and something his girlfriend will most likely never see. Don’t do that. Anything you can or want to say to him should be okay enough to say publicly, if it isn’t, you shouldn’t say it. Private conversations are a relationship privilege, you’re not in one with him.

3. Complimenting how skinny each other look

Listen, we DO totally love it. No matter how cool and confident you are with your body, it feels good when someone says, “You look greatttttt, you look sooo skinny.” However, it also sends a teeny tiny message that when I was a mere seven pounds bigger I didn’t look that great. I want to eat dessert after every meal for two weeks straight if I want and not worry that you’ll think my beauty is conditional to seven pounds.

4. Withholding compliments

When you see a fellow goddess and you know she looks like a goddess, she’s glowing and her outfit is great. She’s confident and you can tell, which is making her look even more beautiful. Don’t keep it to yourself. Tell her, “you look stunning.” Even if she’s a stranger. Having a man tell you you’re beautiful creates heart flutters, but having a girl tell you you’re beautiful transcends a whole lot more than just a flirtatious icebreaker.

5. Admiring women who have “Mean Girls Syndrome”

This one is really troublesome. It’s troublesome because it reinforces the idea that in order for you to be powerful whether in social status, love or business you have to be willing to step over the bodies. It’s creating a culture of insecure and jealous women who invalidate kindness, when really, that’s what we need the most. In any situation.

6. Swooping in on someone’s dude

If he is dating someone, even if they aren’t exclusive yet… don’t go in there and go rogue because you’re competitive and wanna “win.” Go on the Bachelor if that’s what’s appealing about sex and dating. Pining over someone that’s splitting their attention makes your fellow girls feel like we’re against each other as opposed to for each other. Leave your ego and your heart in different arenas.

7. Imitating the girl who gets “more guys than you do”

Dating, mating and loving is not a race. It’s personal to each person and trying to be or act like someone who has more love, sex or names in her Little Black Book does nothing for your confidence. Building a relationship based on false advertisement is bound to fail. If you’re not super inspirational, but she posts an inspiring quote on Facebook, don’t go quoting Louise Hay tomorrow. Inauthenticity can be seen from a mile, a bar length or a “scroll” away.

8. Sending each other passive aggressive emoji texts

If I did something to piss you off, I DARE YOU to send me a heart text as a response. Use your words. Playing to the Real Housewives side of ourselves instead of the high-minded and effectively communicative version is a waste of everyone’s time. And a lack of evolution.

9. Dating all the same guys in the friend circle

First of all. I love you and I think you’re probably great in bed, a total vixen. But, I want to vomit the second I remember that you’ve had sex with the guy I’m dating. I know, you were drinking jalapeno-infused tequila and your friends left you at that bar I forget the name of and he was willing to share his Uber home and poof, it only happened four times. NBD. NO. big, big, deal. Here’s why: these guys think you can’t find something better and that’s why they’re still treating you like an asshole. They don’t respect you, or your friends. Move on, branch out. Find a dude who does.

10. Hating each other’s boyfriends

Every now and then you have a girlfriend whose boyfriend is less than favorable. As her friend your job is to express concern if she’s unhappy, but if she stays with him you have to try to be kind. If he isn’t hurting her, you just simply don’t appreciate his personality flaws, a constant expression of that opinion to her will only ruin your friendship. It’s her lesson and relationship to learn, not yours.

11. Only bringing your boyfriend drama to the brunch conversation

Sisterhood is 100% about support, listening and nurturing. BUT, that doesn’t mean you get to continuously bring the same issue, the same upset, the same irritation to every brunch or dinner party. Come prepared with things that excite, inspire, interest and invigorate you. Don’t come to bacon only to bitch. Also, don’t anticipate that your girlfriends have nothing better to talk about than men. They’ve got plenty. They’re taking on a new leadership position at work, they’re passionate about a new cause, they’re hurting because their father is losing his job and they can’t help. Talk about other areas of the heart. There are more than one.

12. Knocking each other down for being successful

SHE GOT A PROMOTION! SHE’S GOING ON TOUR! HER HUSBAND IS BASICALLY RYAN GOSLING NOTEBOOK VERSION! I hate her. Women, (especially the ones in your circle) finding joy and happiness is not a threat to you if you recognize that success isn’t limited. Happiness doesn’t go out of stock. If the ones around you are living their dream lives, you’re in good company. Your time will come. Covet nothing, congratulate everything.

13. Calling each other ugly

When are we going to understand that beauty is relative? IT’S RELATIVE. If you think someone is ugly, keep it classy and keep it to yourself. Deciding to bring it up to a friend-group how unattractive someone is shows where you place your value and if you think external beauty is the most important virtue, who’s the ugly one?

14. Praising Beyoncé before praising your Mother

….or your best friend. Or your teacher. Or the single mom on your block who’s raising two rambunctious boys and working two jobs. The more we put people on a pedestal who have a literal team of people hoisting them up there, the less we make the women who are doing the best they can feel validated and appreciated. Don’t forget that yes, you have as many hours in a day as Beyoncé, but you don’t have: two personal assistants, a driver, a manager, a hairstylist, a trainer, a makeup artist, a nanny, a stylist, a publicist, a creative team, a… you get the picture. You have YOU, you deserve to be praised and so do the chicks around you holding it together with bubblegum, enthusiasm and some affordable face cream.

15. Not admit that they’ve done all of the above

Raise your hand if you’re guilty. Raise your hand if you’re lying. There we go. Let’s stop these shenanigans. We learn, we grow and then we do better next time. Taking responsibility for your mistakes is brave and bravery is an underrated female attribute.

1. Playing the victim and the bitch in the same story.  You can’t be both.  You can’t switch sides when things aren’t going your way.

2. Finding fault in everyone except yourself.  It’s easy to point fingers, but there are always two sides to every story, two sides to shoulder some of the blame.

3. Having a “my way or the highway” attitude.  Are you 12?  People make their own choices.  Nothing has to be “your way” when it’s someone else’s life. 

4. Following through on acts of sabotage.  People fight; that’s a fact.  And in moments of anger, you plan the other person’s demise.  (We are all guilty of it, even if we don’t admit it.)  Usually, they are just thoughts; it becomes toxic when you put the wheels of your evil plan in motion. 

5. Sharing your side of the story with anyone that will listen in the hope that someone will agree with you.  If you have to convince everyone that you are right; it’s simple.  You aren’t. 

6. Once you say that mean-spirited, below-the-belt comment; you can never take it back. Remember that!

7. If you are labeled “the bitch”, “the bully”, “the life of the party” or “the asshole” within your circle of friends, chances are you probably did something to justify your label.  If you don’t like your label; change your actions. 

8. If you choose to tell secrets when a relationship is falling apart; you are an asshole.  That’s a fact.

9. Doing a shitty thing in the name of friendship, e.g.  “I slept with ‘Simon’ to prove to you that he was cheating on you.  I hope you aren’t mad at me.  I did it for you, to help you see what an asshole he was being to you.”  <—— This person is NOT your friend. (Note: Dramatic example to make a point.)  Any friend that chooses to show you someone else’s bad behavior by taking part in it is a fucking asshole.

10. Taking credit for someone’s success.  If you didn’t do the work, don’t take the credit.  If you did contribute to their success, be classy and help them celebrate – don’t pretend that you single-handedly made them successful.

11. Judging people who sin differently than you.  If you didn’t help put my skeletons in my closet; you don’t get to have an opinion about them. 

12. If you mistake kindness for weakness or silence for acceptance; you are misguided.  Those are characteristics of a successful adult.  Don’t underestimate them.

13. Lastly, if you can’t admit you are wrong, or you have an “I don’t care” attitude about everything and everyone.  Yes, there will always be people who agree with you, but not because they think you are correct.  They agree because they know they can’t change you and it isn’t worth the energy.  A “win” by disqualification isn’t much of a win now is it?

* Disclaimer: This list has been constructed to help you identify the toxic people in your life. What you do once they are identified is entirely your own. The author’s recommendation is that they be removed immediately without exception. Good luck!